I Wanna Be Free
by Hayley Nichole Williams
Summary: Ryan Ross. Oh where do I begin?  Ryan Ross/OFC


Ryan Ross. Oh where do I begin? Ryan was sweet and gentle, but there was a lot more to him than his shy and calm personality. A violent and scarring childhood caused him to turn to drugs and alcohol, ruining the true Ryan. But I knew him well enough to know that he was still somewhat there.

The frustrating thing about Ryan was that he never really knew how to express his real feelings. Sometimes I would have to sit there for half an hour staring at him, just trying to figure out the way he was really feeling. He'd always say he was fine and that he was okay and that I should just stop asking, but I could tell that he just sad that to stop me from worrying about him.

Another thing about Ryan was that he absolutely loved cuddles. As girly as that sounds, the word "cuddles", but it was only the truth. He'd sit next to me, cuddled up to my side. Sometimes if I spoke to him softly and cuddled him back, he would fall asleep. Even twirling his hair made him drowsy. He was just like that... love drunk.

Ryan was older than me, not that he acted like it, but when I was 15, he was 16. Ryan had dropped out of school because of bullying at his school and apparently his home life wasn't so good, though he never told me why. So after school every day I would go and visit him in his pretty little cottage that he was renting and spend time with him. He had always told me that he hated absolutely everyone. Everyone. But me.  
>The only thing stopping me from visiting Ryan was family functions and after school activities, which luckily didn't happen very often. Sometimes when it was raining, he'd walk to Palo Verde High School and wait for me in the rain. I'd then say goodbye to my friend Brendon and run across the street to meet him. He always knew his fate when he did that. I'd scold him and then drag him home by the collar of his shirt where I would force him to get changed into dry clothes and sit by the fire until his hair dried out.<p>

The relationship that I had with Ryan was strange. It was a sibling love, yet at the same time it was more than that. He was everything to me, like he was my own child, which was strange seeing as he was older than me... let's just say... like he was my own experiment. Like Frankenstein. And he cared for me as if I was... the only person he had. Which was completely true. I had been the only person he had ever had since I moved to Palo Verde. He didn't go to Palo Verde, but I would pass his house on the way home and stumble across him talking to himself in the garden, or even drinking tea underneath the big trees. He had always interested me.

Sometimes Ryan would get so drunk, or take so many drugs that he would lose track of time, and forget that I would be coming over to visit. So of course, when I walked in, I'd catch him taking whatever he was taking. I didn't scold him. I knew that he would be addicted... and after doing drug education every single year of my middle school and high school life, I could tell that his body would not agree with coming clean.

It was a big problem for our friendship. It changed him so much... as if he were a completely different person. Sometimes he would become violent towards me, but the majority of the time he became violent towards himself... knives and cigarette lighters. Ryan's skin was never as pretty as it used to be due to the emotional effects of the drugs...

Sometimes all I could do was just hug Ryan and comfort him as he cried.

It was in the later months of this problem that Ryan actually opened up to me. He told me about his problems. How all he wanted was to be loved instead of beaten up and bruised. He had been awfully mistreated by his drunken father and the people at his school that he just had to get away from it all. I tried to tell him that drugs and self harm weren't the answers, but he just told me that that was what everyone said.

The more time I spent loving Ryan, the better his problem got. He didn't care how miserable he felt, as long as I was there to hug him and tell him that everything was okay and that what he was doing was the right thing. I guess you could say he just needed some kind of guidance.

I had realized by then that spending time with Ryan wasn't something he just wanted, it was something he needed.

When I turned 16, I decided to drop out of school. I needed to focus more on my job and spending time with Ryan. I didn't care how much of a bad choice it was, or how much education I was missing out on. I wanted to be there to love Ryan with everything I had left.

Ryan came with me to work every day. I worked at Hot Topic, so he'd come in and listen to different music with me and look at all the different clothing and accessories we had to sell. When Ryan wanted something, like a bracelet or a shirt, I'd buy it for him. Man was I grateful for the employee discount by the time I bought him his 34th shirt.

It wasn't so bad. I moved in with Ryan seeing as my parents kicked me out once I told them I had dropped out of school. It was tiring, working extra time and getting second and even third jobs, just to keep up with the bills. But it was worth it to see Ryan getting better.

It was worth seeing Ryan's genuine smile. It was worth seeing Ryan being able to afford things for himself when he stopped wasting it on alcohol and drugs. It was worth it seeing Ryan's skin heal; no new cuts or burns every time I saw him.

I guess you can say that I was in love with Ryan from the start without even knowing it. Not just anyone would do everything that I did for Ryan without having some significant feelings for him.

Ryan Ross. Oh where do I begin? Ryan was sweet and gentle. He was kind and loving. And every night, as he crawled into bed beside me, he'd kiss my cheek and tell me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.


End file.
